So what’s this all about?…………..
Well, it’s NOT about the usual suspects:
'Getting old ain’t for sissies' - Bette Davies
• Heavy stuff about the dignities of age. (There aren’t any.)
• How to consider sex with men young enough to be your son. (Why? Why? How exactly do the advantages outweigh all that sucking in of bits and shoving out of other bits? Why bother, exactly? And you’ve only just got past clearing pizza from under the bed of your own son, let alone sharing a bed with someone else’s. Have you looked underneath his pine slats, by the way?)
• Keeping thin. (Have these writers actually a) Seen a supermarket shelf through the fog of an oestrogen/progesterone dogfight? b) REALLY grasped the erotic potential of a carbohydrate – in whatever form it appears at the end of your arm? c) Enjoyed the many, many fun ways a jelly tum can be moulded and jiggled and pointed and made, through the careful manipulation of your navel, to smile at you?
• How you should embrace your menopause and manage it with the boiled residue of black ragoon bush seeds and industrial quantities of soya. (Question: What IS so good about natural? Death is natural. Bubonic plague is natural. Dowager’s hump is, also, natural. What exactly is the truth about HRT remedies? Tip: Never take advice on HRT from any one who’s never had a hot flush. This includes all men and any woman doctor under 50.)
• Getting a hobby (You already have one. It’s called staying alive. Other fun ones are: remembering how to have fun, remembering why you want to have fun and, in no particular order, why you walked into the kitchen in the first place, where you left your glasses, car keys, bed socks, gin and tonic and, in the spirit of a great British tradition, the correct names of your children – even if they are not applied to the correct owners. These hobbies alone will take up 98% of your time. In the remaining 2%, writing your novel, farming your smallholding, knitting a fairisle caftan and running for parliament will be a piece of cake.
• Categorising ourselves by age. We sneer at age categories. Over-50, Over-55, Over-60, Over-65 are just NUMBERS. They do not define us. (Furthermore they do NOT mean ‘Over the hill’, ‘Over-cooked, ‘Over-blown’, ‘Over-done’, or ‘Over a barrel’. They can, however mean ‘Over the top’, Over-stuffed’ – if you’re lucky, ‘Over-excited, ‘Over-rich, ‘Over-sexed, ‘Over the moon and, eventually and triumphantly, the trump card of boomers everywhere – ‘Over my dead body’.)
… and other stuff!!!!! There is SO MUCH OF THIS!!! TELL US!!!!
WE SEEK AFTER TRUTH!
WE SEEK AFTER THE GREAT UNSPOKEN SECRETS OF WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENS WHEN WOMEN GET OLDER!
YEAH – EVEN THOSE SECRETS THAT ARE ONLY DIVULGED WHEN TWO OR MORE WOMEN OF A CERTAIN AGE ARE GROUPED TOGETHER ROUND A FEW BOTTLES OF RED AND SEVERAL DOZEN CARTONS OF CHINESE TAKEAWAY (HEAVY ON THE RICE).
WE SEE IT ALL
We know what’s going on…
…Oh, yes we do.